Final Fantasy X Boot Camp
by Haruhara Haruko
Summary: The FFX cast gets stuck in a boot camp, and they must endure one horrible challenge after another... Well, kind of. 0.o;
1. Auron in an Al Bhed strip club

FFX BOOT CAMP  
  
Hi. I'm back. And yes, I am alive. I just didn't write anything new for a while due to my stupid writer's block and my bio being totally @ #$%ed up. Hopefully, this is a good fic and you people will review. With school out in a few days for me, I might write more fics. If my damn writer's block dissapears. And I get lots of nice reviews. Anyways...  
  
Welcome to FFX Boot Camp! For those dumbasses who don't know what boot camp is, it's a place where people go to experience harsh army-style crap. Anyways, the FFX crew is of course going to be in a boot camp. At the end of every chapter, someone will get kicked off the camp until one person remains--the winner. I think there was a show like this, but whatever. I'm not trying to copy. So here's the fic.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own anything. And I'm only posting one disclaimer for this fic. *gets whacked with a hammer* Ow... Okay, fine.  
  
~*~*~  
  
The FFX crew is shown. They're all getting off a bus.  
  
Yuna: I don't get this. Why are we going to boot camp? Did we do something bad?  
  
Tidus: *thinking to himself* Uh oh... Everyone saw me spying on Yuna in the shower and they told the police and that's why I'm in a boot camp...  
  
Wakka: *thinking to himself* Dammit... Everyone must have seen me looking through porno of female Blitzball stars and reported me to the police and sticked me into a boot camp, ya?  
  
Auron: *thinking to himself* Ah, @#$%^&*... Everyone probably saw me get drunk at the Al Bhed strip club and told the police...  
  
Kimahri: *thinking to himself* I like cheese.  
  
Yuna: Well, everyone? What did you do?  
  
Tidus: Uh... What did YOU do?  
  
Yuna: *thinking to herself* No! Tidus knows that I was taking porno shots of Seymour! *sweatdrop*  
  
Tidus: Well?  
  
Yuna: N-nothing...  
  
Lulu: Who's gonna be the drill sergeant?  
  
Suddenly, Seymour walks onstage.  
  
Everyone: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Seymour: What? I'm a recruit. Not a drill sergeant, if that's what you're thinking.  
  
Everyone: YES!!!  
  
Lulu: Wait. It's bad enough that he's gonna be in the camp.  
  
Everyone: NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Suddenly, Jecht comes onstage.  
  
Everyone: ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!  
  
Jecht: Hi people. I'm your drill sergeant.  
  
Tidus: Aren't you, like, dead?  
  
Jecht: I dunno. Let's get this started. You were all very bad and are gonna be punished for that. You'll experience physical torture.  
  
Lulu: Cool! I can beat everyone's ass!  
  
Wakka: No, I can! *flexes 'muscles'*  
  
Everyone: O.o  
  
Jecht: Let's get to the camps.  
  
Everyone magically appears in a giant room.  
  
Jecht: First, these guys...  
  
Some fat, bald guys who look suspiciously like those dudes from Jerry Springer walk onstage.  
  
Jecht: ...Will shave your hair off.  
  
Lulu: WHAT?!?!?!  
  
Jecht: Don't worry, we'll only cut the women's hair.  
  
Lulu: Oh, okay.  
  
Jecht: Unless you want it shaved off. *holds up a razor and grins evilly*  
  
Lulu: AAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
The guys walk up to everyone and start cutting/shaving their hair. Finally, their done. Picture all the guys bald. Especially Wakka and Seymour. O.O  
  
Wakka: *holding his hair* Nooooo!!!!  
  
Seymour: *also holding hair* Waaaaahhh!!!!  
  
Kimahri: *all fur shaven off* I dunno, I kinda like this.  
  
Everyone: O.o  
  
Meanwhile, all the girls have their hair cut to their chins.  
  
Yuna: Nooooo! My beloved hair!!!  
  
Rikku: This sucks!!!  
  
Lulu: Am I the only one who's happy here?  
  
Yuna hands Lulu a mirror.  
  
Lulu: *looks into mirror* AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Tidus: *completely bald* Hey, how come Jecht doesn't have to have his hair shaved?  
  
Jecht: Cause I rule your lives. MWUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!  
  
Tidus: ...  
  
Jecht: ...  
  
Guy who cut everyone's hair: ... *smiles very evilly*  
  
The guy walks over to Jecht and shaves all his hair off.  
  
Jecht: *bald* Noooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Tidus: Hee hee hee!  
  
Jecht: Argh... Oh well. Report to the dorm, everyone.  
  
Everyone magically appears in a large, smelly room with crap and spraypaint all over the walls.  
  
Jecht: Men will sleep here.  
  
Seymour: We have to sleep in this crap?!  
  
Jecht: Of course. *smiles anime*  
  
Rikku: And where will the women go?  
  
Jecht: On the floor!  
  
Rikku: Oh, okay. *lays down*  
  
Jecht: O.o I was kidding. Women are in the next cabin.  
  
Rikku: ...Oh. *gets up*  
  
Jecht: Now, it's time for some work outs!  
  
Everyone magically appears in a weird swamp outside the camp.  
  
Jecht: This will determine who gets kicked out tonight. Actually, it won't. But I wanna see all of you suffer. *laughs evilly*  
  
Auron: And what do we do?  
  
Jecht: Wait for the monsters to attack!  
  
Suddenly, a bunch of Master Tonberrys pop out of nowhere. They're all drowsy and walking slowly.  
  
Jecht: Oh my... It appears that the Master Tonberrys are drunk. Oh well. Beat their asses, everyone!  
  
The Tonberrys attack. There's one for every recruit. Everyone is getting beaten up except Lulu.  
  
Lulu: *using Firaga on her Tonberry's... you know* You guys are so dumb! These things are drunk and they're still beating you to death!  
  
Wakka is being whacked on the head with a plunger by his Tonberry. O.o  
  
Wakka: Ow... *falls over*  
  
Lulu: That was bound to happen.  
  
Tidus is halfway inside his Tonberry's mouth. o.O  
  
Tidus: Well actually--AAAAAAHHH!!!  
  
Tidus suddenly gets swallowed by his Tonberry.  
  
Lulu: WOOHOO!!! HE'S DEAD!!!!  
  
Meanwhile, Yuna is whacking hers on the head with her rod.  
  
Yuna: Ha! Take that!  
  
Lulu: Good job, Yuna!  
  
Yuna: Thanks!  
  
Suddenly, the Tonberry counterattacks, grabs Yuna's rod, and whacks her on the head. Yuna falls down, unconcious.  
  
Lulu: O.o Oh well.  
  
Rikku is throwing grenades at her Tonberry.  
  
Rikku: Mwuahahaha!! I'm so strong!  
  
Rikku's Tonberry blows up. Unfortunately, Tonberry's blood is poisonous. It splatters all over Rikku and she falls over.  
  
Lulu: ...???  
  
Auron is being burned at a stake by his Tonberry.  
  
Auron: Eeeek! *burns*  
  
Lulu: Cool. I can do that without the stake!  
  
Finally, Kimahri is being harshly sliced up by his Tonberry, who is wielding his lance.  
  
Kimahri: *clutching... uh, yeah* Ow!!! Kimahri in pain!! *falls over*  
  
Lulu: That. Was. Weird.  
  
Jecht: Well, it appears you're the winner.  
  
Lulu: Yay!  
  
Everyone is suddenly magically revived.  
  
Jecht: Well, it looks like it's time for one of you to be kicked off the boot camp!!! Now vote!  
  
Jecht hands everyone a cheap post-it note covered with coffee stains. Tidus writes 'Seymour', Yuna writes 'Seymour', Auron writes 'Seymour', Wakka writes 'Seymour', Lulu writes 'Seymour', Kimahri writes 'Seymour', and for some dumb reason, Seymour writes 'Seymour'.  
  
Jecht: It appears you all voted for Seymour. Interesting. So, you want him to be kicked off?  
  
Everyone, even Seymour for some dumb reason: YES!!!  
  
Jecht: Well... THAT'S TOO DAMN BAD!!! HAHAHA!!!  
  
Everyone: o.O  
  
Jecht: Uh... I really wanted Tidus to leave.  
  
Tidus: *cries* You don't love me!!!  
  
Jecht: That's right.  
  
Tidus: Waaaahhh!!!  
  
Tidus runs away, crying.  
  
Jecht: Oookay. How can Auron lose to a drunk Master Tonberry? How can Kimahri like cheese? It's gross! And why the hell did Seymour vote for himself?! All will be revealed in the next chapter!!! ...Actually, it won't. But read it anyway.  
  
~*~*~  
  
Thanks for reading. Now review! I NEED REVIEWS!!!!!!!!!! If I don't get any, this may be my last fic!!! *sniff sniff*  
  
...And if you want, tell me who should be voted off next. I'll definetilly consider anyone's choices. I need serious help.  
  
Oh, and I didn't mean anything by the scene where everyone got killed by Tonberrys. So sorry for that. It was just an essential part of the chapter. 


	2. Kimahri is Squall?

Thanks for reviewing, people. My computer has crashed a week or so ago, so that's why this chapter is kinda late. Gomen nasai… ^^;; Anyway, here are a few notes.  
  
Siren: Hmm... I don't really think Jecht could be voted off, who would be the host? *imagines Kimahri screaming at everyone* Ehh... But anyway, I put your choice of Yuna into thought.  
  
Th' Lady Shadow: I know this fic's been done, and I don't wanna copy anyone. But as all my fics, even the ones that are common, this crap is unique. I just can't think of any other good things for a fic since I have no inspiration whatsoever... And I don't really NEED reviews. I guess I was caffeinated when I wrote Ch. 1. It's just nice to have encouragement sometimes, especially when you're on writer's block like me. But overall, thanks for reviewing--your review was encouraging too, sorta!  
  
everyone else: Thanks for reviewing! Reviews mean a lot to me, and all yours gave me inspiration to write Ch. 2. Thanks, and here it is!  
  
Disclaimer: Argh... Why do some people get away with posting just one disclaimer per fic!? I put one up in every chapter of all my fics! *shakes fist* I'm gonna get you, uh... Square! And people who put up only one disclaimer! *gets whacked unconcious with a hammer*  
  
O.o Now I really mean it. Here's the fic.  
  
~*~*~  
  
All the men except Tidus--who's voted off, duh--and Jecht, are sleeping in their cabin. Suddenly, Jecht barges in.  
  
Jecht: GET YER ASSES OUTTA BED!!!!!!!!!  
  
Everyone wakes up.  
  
Wakka: What time is it, brudda?  
  
Jecht: It's 3:00 A.M.!  
  
Wakka: 3 A.M., ya?  
  
Jecht: Ya.  
  
Wakka: Ya?  
  
Jecht: Ya.  
  
Wakka: Ya?  
  
Jecht: Ya.  
  
Wakka: Ya?  
  
Jecht takes out a hammer. Wakka shuts up.  
  
Kimahri: What are we gonna do?  
  
Jecht: Where is your accent-thingy?  
  
Kimahri: I dunno. I don't feel like covering up my true identity. Speaking of which...  
  
Kimahri takes off his skin (???) to reveal that he's Squall from FFVIII.  
  
Everyone: AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!! *hides*  
  
Kimahri/Squall: Whatever.  
  
Kimahri/Squall puts his skin back on.  
  
Jecht: What the hell was that?!  
  
Kimahri: Well, I was a little bored with the FFVIII world so I decided to audition for another Final Fantasy. As you see, I could only get one part-- the one of the fuzzy, blue, unintelligent, overgrown cat.  
  
Jecht: Oh, okay. Now we're going to have another work out to see who leaves the camp. But in reality, it's just a stupid attempt of mine to get you all killed like last time.  
  
Auron: What about the women?  
  
Jecht: We're gonna wake them up!  
  
Jecht runs into the next cabin, where all the women are sleeping peacefully.  
  
Jecht: GET YER ASSES OUTTA BED!!!!!!!!!  
  
Everyone wakes up.  
  
Lulu: What do you want?  
  
Jecht: We're gonna have another work out!  
  
Yuna: But I'm so tired...  
  
Jecht: Too bad. Get up!  
  
Yuna: No...  
  
Jecht: Get up!  
  
Yuna: I don't wanna...  
  
Jecht pulls out a hammer again. Yuna whacks him with her rod and resumes sleep.  
  
Jecht: Ow... Alright, I guess we'll just let Yuna stay here for the day.  
  
Lulu and Rikku get up. They and Jecht go back to the men who are going crazy in their cabin. Auron is reading porn mags, Wakka is playing some Daft Punk CD that Pyra burned for him ^_^, Kimahri is talking to someone on his cell phone (?), and Seymour is on the Internet on a computer he got from nowhere.  
  
Auron: What the hell is Steiner doing starring on the cover of a porn mag? And why are Aki (FFTSW), Palmer, and Seymour in there with him??? *reads text under photo* 'Special edition: Rejects'. Oh well. *keeps staring*  
  
Wakka: Here comes the chorus... *singing in a loud, scratchy voice* One more time, we're gonna celebrate, oh yeah, alright, don't stop dancing!!!!!!!  
  
Seymour: Dude... What the hell is a 'fanfiction.net'? What's a Tifa Lockhart? And what is this 'Final Fantasy X' that they speak of?  
  
Kimahri: *talking into his phone* What? You want me to audition for "Final Fantasy VII: PS2 Edition"? And you say Red XIII died and I have to take his place? I'm there!!! *hangs up*  
  
Kimahri is about to run out of the cabin, but Jecht stops him.  
  
Jecht: Stop this freakiness! What are you all doing?!  
  
Auron drops his porn mag and Seymour looks away from his computer. But Wakka continues singing.  
  
Wakka: *now also dancing O.o* Oh yeah, don't stop dancing!!!!!!  
  
Jecht unplugs the stereo.  
  
Wakka: One more time-- *realizes that the music is over* Uh… Ya?  
  
Jecht: O.o We're ready to begin the next event.  
  
Everyone magically appears in front of a Blitzball sphere.  
  
Jecht: You're all gonna shoot blitzballs at each other for no reason.  
  
Wakka: Cool, Blitzball! I can do this!  
  
Jecht: Okay everyone, get into the sphere!  
  
Lulu: What?! With our clothes on?!  
  
Jecht: No, you're all gonna be naked.  
  
Lulu: Oh, okay.  
  
Jecht: O.O Actually, I was being sarcastic.  
  
Everyone gets into the Blitzball sphere. A million blitzballs appear everywhere. Wakka manages to catch a million while everyone else gets whacked in their faces.  
  
Lulu: *ignoring the blitzballs bombarding her* My dress is flying up!!!  
  
Seymour, Auron, and Kimahri: *staring at Lulu's flying dress* O.O  
  
Wakka: *notices everyone staring at Lulu* Hey, ya?! She's my woman!  
  
Wakka throws a bunch of blitzballs at Seymour, Auron, and Kimahri, knocking them down.  
  
Lulu: I'm not your frikkin' woman! Didn't I already make this clear in those other fanfics?!  
  
Wakka: But…  
  
Lulu: I'm leaving!  
  
Lulu gets out of the Blitzball sphere. The only people left are Wakka and Rikku.  
  
Jecht: Everyone's been eliminated by Wakka. So he and Rikku are left. Knock the crap outta each other!  
  
Wakka picks up a blitzball.  
  
Wakka: Ya, this will be so easy!  
  
Rikku, meanwhile, is preparing to launch a blitzball that she filled with grenades at Wakka. Jecht notices this.  
  
Jecht: Uh… I think we'd better get Seymour, Auron, and Kimahri out of the sphere…  
  
A crane comes out of nowhere and pulls the four out of the sphere. They suddenly all turn concious again and look over at Rikku and Wakka.  
  
Wakka: Prepare to be—  
  
Suddenly, Rikku throws the grenade-filled blitzball. The whole sphere blows up and water is suddenly everywhere. Rikku manages to run out to where the others are standing.  
  
Lulu: You killed Wakka!!!  
  
Rikku: *sweatdrop* Um… Oops…  
  
Lulu: Good job!!!  
  
Rikku: Huh?  
  
Lulu: We all hate him.  
  
Seymour: Yeah! Now I don't have anyone to rival my hair! *pats head and suddenly remembers that he's bald* Uh…yeah.  
  
Everyone except Jecht, who's looking for Wakka in the broken sphere, starts to clap.  
  
Jecht: Hey! I found him!!!  
  
Everyone stops clapping. Jecht walks out of the ruins, dragging Wakka on the ground behind him.  
  
Jecht: I think he's alive. Someone will have to give him CPR.  
  
Everyone: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Jecht: It's not that hard! Watch, I'll show you.  
  
Jecht gives Wakka mouth-to-mouth. o.O  
  
Everyone: O.o  
  
Jecht: There! Now who wants to do it for real?  
  
Everyone: o.O  
  
Jecht: What?  
  
Everyone: O.o  
  
Jecht: …Oh, @#$%. *wipes mouth*  
  
Wakka: I'm alive, ya?!  
  
Eveyone: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Jecht: Well, I guess it's time to determine who leaves today. You might think it's Wakka cause he got blown up by Rikku…  
  
Wakka: *starts crying* No! Please don't make me leave!!  
  
Jecht: …But it's gonna be Yuna cause she didn't come to the event.  
  
Seymour: I'll go tell her!  
  
Seymour runs into the women's cabin, which is nearby. Everyone hears Seymour tell Yuna that she has to leave the camp. Then Yuna is heard screaming. Finally, everyone sees Seymour flying out of the cabin and straight into a pile of mud.  
  
Jecht: Uh… Where the hell did Wakka get the lyrics to 'One More Time'? Why does Wakka still think that Lulu is 'his woman'?  
  
Wakka: Why do all these questions have to do with me?!  
  
Jecht: Erm… Find out in the next chapter! Well actually, you'll never find out. But read Ch. 3 anyway.  
  
~*~*~  
  
Thanks again for reviewing everyone, please continue, and remember to vote on who should leave! As you see, I took Siren's vote into consideration and found a way to get rid of Yuna. Thanks for voting, Siren! ^_^  
  
Once again, I didn't purposely bash any characters. It's just to get people voted off and stuff like that. If you've read my bio for some strange reason, you know that I love every FF character. *tries to hug an Aeris doll* Yes… Every single character… *eyes twitch* 


	3. "GRRR... YOU KILLED FLUFFY!!!"

Welcome back!!! Thanks for reviewing and voting! Here's Ch. 3!  
  
Disclaimer: Same thing as last time. *gets whacked unconcious with a hammer* ... *is revived* That's getting really old. I know, let's have a strip party! *gets dragged away by cops* Erm... Maybe in the next chapter.  
  
~*~*~  
  
Seymour, Wakka, Auron, and Kimahri are shown outside by a small cabin that isn't theirs or the girls'. It's night and there's a light on in the cabin.  
  
Seymour: Uh. What are we doing?  
  
Kimahri: We're spying on Jecht!  
  
Seymour: Why?  
  
Auron: Cause we wanna see what he does all night.  
  
Seymour: And?  
  
Wakka: This guy asks too many questions, ya?  
  
Wakka takes out his blitzball and looks at Auron. Auron nods. Wakka throws it at Seymour, knocking him unconcious.  
  
Wakka: There. Now let's look inside, ya?  
  
Kimahri, Wakka, and Auron look into the cabin window.  
  
Kimahri, Wakka, and Auron: Whoa...  
  
Inside is a hot tub. Jecht, Lulu, and Rikku are sitting in it.  
  
Wakka: What's he doing with my woman?!  
  
Auron: And mine, according to weird fanfiction authors?!  
  
Kimahri: Why don't I get a woman?...  
  
Kimahri sadly shakes his head. Then he takes out his cell phone and dials Rinoa.  
  
Wakka: We have to get in there and get our women back, ya?  
  
Auron: Ya!  
  
Wakka and Auron run up to the cabin door and kick it open. They run in.  
  
Wakka: Give 'em back!  
  
Jecht: *sweatdrop* Give what back?  
  
Auron takes out his Masamune.  
  
Jecht: If you hurt me, you'll be kicked out of the camp!  
  
Auron: ... *puts back Masamune*  
  
Jecht: Mwuahahahahaha!!! That was easy!  
  
Wakka: Wait. What if our women wanna come back to us?  
  
Jecht: Well...  
  
Lulu: No, we'd rather not.  
  
Rikku: Our men are losers.  
  
Lulu: Actually, Auron's cool. *glares at Wakka*  
  
Wakka: I feel so hurt... *hangs head*  
  
Wakka and Auron walk out of the cabin.  
  
Wakka: What now?  
  
Auron: Let's go back to our cabin.  
  
Wakka: Ya.  
  
Wakka and Auron head back to camp, where they see Kimahri and Rinoa.  
  
Wakka: Uh... Ya?  
  
Kimahri: Sorry, I sorta got bored and invited Rinoa over.  
  
Rinoa: *stares at Wakka* Hello...  
  
Wakka: I think she's in love with me, ya?  
  
Kimahri: -.-;; No.  
  
Rinoa: Yes...  
  
Kimahri: !!! Okay, You'd better leave now!  
  
Rinoa: No...  
  
Wakka: Wow, all the ladies love me!  
  
Auron: ...You got dumped by Lulu.  
  
Wakka: She's not a lady, ya?  
  
Auron: O.o  
  
Kimahri: It's already morning time.  
  
Wakka: Time sure passes quickly in fanfics, ya?  
  
Kimahri: I think I hear something...  
  
Kimahri runs up to the window.  
  
Kimahri: It's Jecht!!  
  
Rinoa: Ah, I have to leave!  
  
Jecht suddenly runs into the cabin.  
  
Jecht: GET YER ASSES--Uh... Why are you all awake? What's Rinoa doing here? And where's Seymour?  
  
Wakka: ...Seymour?  
  
Wakka and Auron look at each other nervously.  
  
Jecht: ...Oh well, no one really likes him. Now it's time for another event.  
  
Jecht runs into the next cabin and gets the girls. Everyone, even Rinoa for some reason, magically appears in the Besaid temple.  
  
Jecht: You're gonna all have a battle tournament, but only using Aeons!  
  
Wakka: If only Yuna was here...  
  
Jecht: If she was here, she would beat you all.  
  
Wakka: Ya.  
  
Jecht: Now I'm gonna give each of you a randomly picked Aeon.  
  
Jecht magically gives everyone the power to summon a specific Aeon.  
  
Jecht: To find out what Aeon you're gonna be using, you'll have to use it. Duh. The first battle is between Rinoa and Lulu.  
  
Rinoa and Lulu walk into the center of the temple.  
  
Lulu: I call upon the power of... Whatever frikkin' Aeon I'm using!  
  
Yojimbo appears. Everyone gasps in awe.  
  
Rikku: Hey, there's no way we're all gonna get past Yojimbo!  
  
Lulu: MWUAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I'M INVINCIBLE!!!  
  
Rinoa: *crosses fingers* Bahamut, Bahamut, Bahamut... Ahem. Guardian Force, come to my aid!  
  
Sakura from Card Captor Sakura appears onscreen. O.o  
  
Sakura: Hey, those are my words!!!  
  
Sakura whacks Rinoa on the head with her Card-catching thingy.  
  
Rinoa: .Huh? Sakura's my Aeon?  
  
Suddenly Shiva appears.  
  
Rinoa: ...Nevermind.  
  
Lulu: Yojimbo, Daigoro!!!  
  
Lulu throws a few gil. Yojimbo uses Daigoro on Shiva, who falls over in pain.  
  
Rinoa: Uh. I lost, right?  
  
Jecht: Yeah.  
  
Rinoa walks off to where everyone else is standing.  
  
Jecht: Well, since Sakura is here, we might as well let her battle too.  
  
Sakura: Only if I can use my own summons!  
  
Sakura runs up to Lulu.  
  
Sakura: Windy Card! Come to my aid! WINDY!!!  
  
The Windy Card appears.  
  
Lulu: You think that thing can stand up to Yojimbo? KOZUKA!!!  
  
Lulu throws a gil and Yojimbo uses Kozuka on the Windy. The card gets sliced in half.  
  
Sakura: Erm. *runs away*  
  
Meanwhile with Sakura, outside in the forest.  
  
Sakura: Darn, I thought my Windy Card was powerful.  
  
Sakura walks off. Suddenly, she hears a crunching sound and looks down. Seymour is under her foot.  
  
Seymour: Ow...  
  
Sakura: Sorry. *lifts foot* So, who are you?  
  
Seymour: Seymour from FFX.  
  
Sakura: Gosh, you're cute. Cuter than Li!  
  
Seymour: Yeah, even when I'm bald. *smiles wickedly*  
  
Sakura: O.o Uh... Yeah. Do you need to find the rest of the FFX people? Come with me.  
  
Sakura and Seymour head toward the Besaid Temple. Back to the temple.  
  
Lulu: Mwehehehe!! Who's next?  
  
Jecht: Auron.  
  
Auron walks onstage.  
  
Auron: Come to me, Aeon!  
  
The Magus Sisters appear.  
  
Auron: YAY! They're unstopable!  
  
Lulu: Er. Wakizashi!  
  
Lulu gives Yojimbo more gil and he uses Wakizashi. But the Magus sisters dodge the attack.  
  
Magus Sisters: Delta Attack!  
  
The Magus Sisters use Delta Attack but miss Yojimbo and hit his dog, standing in the background.  
  
Yojimbo: GRRR... YOU KILLED FLUFFY!!! YOU'RE GONNA PAY!!!!!!!  
  
Yojimbo unleashes Zanmato on the Magus Sisters and they fall over and dissapear.  
  
Auron: Oh, @#$%. *walks to where everyone else is*  
  
Jecht: Rikku's next!  
  
Rikku runs up.  
  
Rikku: I summon my Aeon!  
  
Ifrit apppears.  
  
Rikku: Aw, @#$%... Okay, use Meteor Strike.  
  
Ifrit picks up a Meteor and throws it at Yojimbo, missing by a mile. It nearly hits Seymour, standing in the back. Somewhere in the FFVII world...  
  
Cloud: YAY! Meteor's gone for some reason! Let's PARTY!!!  
  
Cloud takes off his shirt as Scarlet, Elena, Priscilla, and some other secondary FFVII girls look on. Suddenly Tifa comes onstage and pounds them all. o.O She smiles cheesily at Cloud, who runs away, screaming. Back to FFX.  
  
Lulu: Wakizashi!  
  
Lulu throws yet more gil and Yojimbo hits Ifrit with Wakizashi. Ifrit dissapears.  
  
Rikku: That sucked... *walks offstage *  
  
Jecht: Kimahri, you're next.  
  
Kimahri walks over.  
  
Kimahri: Guardian Force, I summon thee!  
  
Bahamut appears. Everyone gasps.  
  
Rikku: Hey, he got BAHAMUT! He just might beat Lulu!  
  
Lulu: Oh, @#$%.  
  
Kimahri: *smiles evilly*  
  
At the same time as Kimahri says 'Mega Flare', Lulu says 'Wakizashi' and throws a gil. The Aeons hit each other and puffs of smoke surround the screen. Everyone coughs.  
  
Jecht: What the... Who won here?  
  
The smoke clears up and shows Yojimbo still standing.  
  
Everyone: NOOOOOOO!!!!!!  
  
Lulu: Yay!  
  
Jecht: Lulu won again!  
  
Kimahri walks back to everyone else, swearing. Suddenly, the door breaks open and Sakura and Seymour walk in.  
  
Seymour: Hey everyone!  
  
Lulu: That's weird. I didn't notice that Seymour was missing.  
  
Wakka and Auron look nervous.  
  
Kimahri: I know what happened to him! Wakka and Auron--  
  
Wakka: *covers Kimahri's mouth* Uh, ya. Whatever.  
  
Kimahri: *bites Wakka's hand* That's MY word!!!  
  
Jecht: O.o Well, Seymour, you're now gonna battle Lulu's Aeon with an Aeon of your own that was randomly selected.  
  
Seymour glances at Yojimbo.  
  
Seymour: Nooo!!! I'm scaaaaared!!! Jecht: *pokes Seymour with a stick* GO!  
  
Seymour walks to the center of the temple.  
  
Seymour: ...Mommy, help meee!!  
  
Anima appears.  
  
Anima: Okay, I'll help you, son!!!  
  
Seymour: ...WHAT THE...  
  
Anima: Seymour, I am your mother!! Didn't you know that?  
  
Everyone: O.O  
  
Lulu: Come on, let's fight! Wakizashi!  
  
Lulu throws more gil and Yojimbo uses Wakizashi. But he misses and hits Seymour.  
  
Seymour: *almost dead* Mommy... I love you...  
  
Anima: Seymour!!! NOOOOOOO!!! YOU KILLED MY SON!!!  
  
Everyone wipes away tears at the touching, sad moment.  
  
Anima: YOU WILL PA--  
  
Yojimbo uses Wakizashi on Anima, killing it before it can say any more.  
  
Lulu: Yay!  
  
Jecht: o.O ...Alright, Wakka, you're up.  
  
Everyone: Yay, the final match!  
  
Wakka: I'm gonna beat you with my wonderful, powerful Aeon...  
  
Valefor appears.  
  
Everyone: VALEFOR?!  
  
Everyone laughs at Wakka.  
  
Wakka: Well, I can still beat her, ya?  
  
Lulu: No one can stand up to Yojimbo's most powerful attack--ZANMATO!!!!  
  
Lulu throws some gil. Yojimbo looks at the gil in disgust.  
  
Yojimbo: This pile of crap isn't worth such a great attack!  
  
Lulu: But... What about Wakizashi, then?  
  
Yojimbo: Nope. You don't have enough money for ANY of my attacks.  
  
Lulu: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Wakka: Ya!!! Valefor, Energy Ray!  
  
Valefor coughs up a teenyweeny beam of light. It hits Yojimbo with a small 'boink' sound. Yojimbo falls over, pretending to be in pain.  
  
Wakka: YAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!! I WIN!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Everyone: YAY!!!  
  
Lulu: Wha??... Nooooo!!!!  
  
Jecht: Nice job, Wakka! You really are a strong fighter!  
  
Wakka: *smiles Anime* Excuse me.  
  
Wakka walks over to Yojimbo, laying on the ground. Yojimbo gets up, not hurt at all. Wakka hands Yojimbo a sack of gil and Yojimbo walks away, happy.  
  
Lulu: Hey, you payed Yojimbo to lose!  
  
Wakka: Uh...  
  
Jecht: It doesn't matter, he won.  
  
Lulu: NO FAIR!!!  
  
Jecht: Now, make your votes on who should be voted off.  
  
Wakka: I wonder why we didn't get to vote in the last chapter.  
  
Jecht: The stupid author forgot.  
  
Akari: *appears* Hey! *strikes Jecht with her dagger*  
  
Jecht, bloody all over, hands everyone a few scraps of paper that the author was using to draw Seymour.  
  
Auron: Hmm... My paper has a weird little ugly...thing...on it.  
  
Kimahri: Mine has a strange piece of crap. O.o  
  
Seymour: That's weird. The author is a really good artist.  
  
Everyone looks at Seymour weird.  
  
Seymour: What?  
  
Auron: ...He's probably just ugly.  
  
Everyone writes down their votes. To make it simple, everyone except Rinoa, Seymour and Wakka voted for Wakka. Rinoa and Seymour voted for Seymour and Wakka put down Jecht.  
  
Jecht: Hmm... Everyone voted for Wakka, except 2 votes for Seymour and 1 for me. o.O Well, I guess Wakka's off.  
  
Wakka: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Everyone else: YEAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!  
  
Wakka walks off, sad.  
  
Lulu: Maybe we should go talk to him...  
  
Everyone: ...  
  
Lulu: ...Nah, let's party!! *takes off shirt*  
  
Jecht: Why did Seymour vote for himself again? How come Rinoa's here? Is the author really a good artist?  
  
Akari: Yeah. Really. *holds up a currently drawn sketch of a White Mage* ^_^  
  
Jecht: Uh... Yeah.  
  
Akari: -.-;; *slices Jecht with her dagger again*  
  
Jecht: *bloody all over, again* Well, find out next time. Actually you won't, but read anyway.  
  
~*~*~  
  
Now, some extra notes...  
  
DarkandStormyNight: I'm sorry for not voting off Lulu, but I got your review after completing Ch. 3. Keep in mind, though, that I write down every vote and take each into consideration. ^_~  
  
melfina girl: I'm not really putting any more Daft Punk into this fic, sorry. ^^;; But in 'Halloween Chaos!', which is coming soon, a few FF guys will be dressed as the members of Daft Punk. O.o  
  
Also, if anyone is wondering, there was someone who reviewed for Wakka to be voted off. But I don't know where the hell that review went, I know I saw it before FF.Net was down though. Wakka's my favorite FFX guy, and it sucked for me to take him out. I did get that review first though and wrote this chapter before any other reviews came in. Sorry Wakka fans. *coughPyracough*  
  
Thanks to everyone who reviewed. Please keep voting, since I read every single review and take each vote into deep consideration~! 


	4. "Lulu and Rikku rulez"

Welcome back. ^^  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing. I can't come up with anything more original, I'm in a hurry now. ^^;; *gets knocked out*  
  
~*~  
  
Lulu and Rikku are shown onscreen in the women's cabin at night. No one else is there.  
  
Lulu: You know, we're the only women left in the camp.  
  
Rikku: Besides Seymour.  
  
Lulu: Oh yeah, how could I forget?  
  
Rikku: Anyway, what were you gonna say?  
  
Lulu: Hee hee hee. Follow me.  
  
Lulu and Rikku run outside. The screen blacks out and next morning is shown. Jecht runs into the men's cabin.  
  
Jecht: GET YER ASSES OUTTA BED!!!!!!  
  
Auron: *sigh* You've been saying that for the last few chapters.  
  
Jecht: Er. Sorry.  
  
Kimahri: What do we do today?  
  
Jecht: We're having another event, of course! Let's go get the women!!  
  
The men run off to the women's cabin. They stop before entering.  
  
Jecht: What the?!  
  
On the wall of the cabin it says 'Lulu and Rikku rulez' in spraypaint.  
  
Jecht: Who did this?!?!?!?  
  
Seymour: Hmm. Who could have written 'Lulu and Rikku rulez' on the women's cabin.  
  
Jecht: I have no idea. Oh well, let's go get the women.  
  
Jecht runs into the cabin.  
  
Jecht: GET YER-Oh, you two are awake.  
  
Lulu: *laughing nervously* Yeah.  
  
Jecht: Seems like you didn't sleep all night.  
  
Rikku: *sweatdrop* N-No, we did.  
  
Jecht: Whatever. Let's go start the next event.  
  
The three run outside.  
  
Jecht: The next event.  
  
Everyone appears in the Calm Lands.  
  
Jecht: .Is monster catching.  
  
Auron: WOOT!! GOTTA CATCH 'EM ALL!!  
  
Everyone: *stares at Auron*  
  
Auron: .Sorry.  
  
Jecht: Anyway, whoever catches the largest amount of monsters is the winner. Only all the monsters are Cactuars!!  
  
A giant cage drops down and a million Cactuars run out.  
  
Jecht: Go!!  
  
Everyone runs off. Moments later, nearly everyone is being severly abused by Cactuars. Auron is taking out little red and white balls and throwing them everywhere. Jecht runs over.  
  
Jecht: What are you doing?!  
  
Auron: Catching Poke`mon!! :D  
  
Jecht: Erm.  
  
Meanwhile, Lulu and Rikku are standing near each other on the other side of the field. Cactuars are literally all over them.  
  
Lulu: AAAAHHH!!! It's going up my dress!!!  
  
Rikku: This is worse!!! This one's eating my hair!!!  
  
Kimahri, standing across from them, is using Lancet to learn the '1000 Needles' ability.  
  
Kimahri: Yeeaaahh!!! I'm gonna win!!!  
  
Suddenly a million needles grow all over Kimahri's body.  
  
Kimahri: AH @#$%^&*@#$%^&*!!!!!! IT BURNS!!!!!!!!!  
  
Everyone: XD  
  
Kimahri: AAAAAAAAHHH!!! *runs off, screaming and trying to remove the needles*  
  
Finally, Seymour is just standing there while a million Cactuars are climbing all over him. A few are on his butt, sticking needles in. He ignores everything and is just staring into space.  
  
Seymour: Ya know, one time I had a porcupine. His name was Mr. Wiggles. But then, he disappeared. Mommy said that Skully and Mulder got him.  
  
Everyone: *looking at Seymour* What the @#$%^&*????  
  
Jecht: *whacks Seymour on the head*  
  
Seymour: *out of trance* Eeek!!! There's a needle up my butt!!!  
  
Everyone: XD  
  
Back to Lulu and Rikku.  
  
Rikku: AAAHHH!!! IT ATE MY HAIR OFF!!  
  
The Cactuar jumps off Rikku's head and hacks up her hair. Rikku is now bald.  
  
Lulu: Haha!!  
  
Rikku: Hey, don't make fun of me or I'm gonna tell everyone that you spraypainted 'Lulu rulez' on the women's cabin!!  
  
Lulu: And I'll tell them that you added 'and Rikku'!!!  
  
Everyone: *stops what they're doing and stare at Lulu and Rikku* O.O  
  
Lulu: *sweatdrop* Er.  
  
Rikku: *sweatdrop* Forget you heard that!!  
  
Everyone: Okay. *go back to what they were doing*  
  
Suddenly Kimahri runs back to where everyone else is, no needles on him. Instead, there are a million little holes all over his body with blood protruding out.  
  
Everyone: *looks at Kimahri* O.o  
  
Kimahri: .What?  
  
Everyone: Nothing.  
  
Everyone suddenly hears Auron laughing madly on the other side of the field.  
  
Auron: MWUAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! I shall breed these two Poke`mon: Cactuar and. Erm. Another Cactuar!! And I will gain the ultimate monster: Cactuar!!!!  
  
Auron holds up two red-and-white balls.  
  
Auron: Cactuars!!!  
  
Cactuars come out.  
  
Auron: Mwuhahahaha!!! Give me the egg of the ultimate Poke`mon!!  
  
The two Cactuars look at each other, then at Auron. Everyone is silent. Suddenly the Cactuars jump up and use 1000 Needles on Auron's face.  
  
Auron: AAAAAHHHH!!!!! IT HUUUUUURTS!!!!!  
  
Everyone: XD  
  
Jecht: I think this event is over. Let's just vote on who leaves.  
  
Everyone is magically transported to the set of Jerry Springer.  
  
Everyone: Huh??  
  
Jecht: What the.  
  
Jerry Springer: Today's topic. 'I spraypainted my name on the women's cabin!!'  
  
Rikku: *sweatdrop* It was Lulu's fault!!!!!  
  
Lulu: Hey!!  
  
Everyone: !!!  
  
Jecht: Lulu, why?!  
  
Lulu: Rikku helped!!  
  
Jecht: LIAR!!!!!!  
  
The Jerry Springer guys run up and drag Lulu away.  
  
Jecht: ^^ That was easy.  
  
Everyone: -_-;;  
  
Jecht: What really happened to Seymour's porcupine? Is Rikku still bald?  
  
Rikku: Yes. *collapses, crying*  
  
Jecht: Was this the stupidest, shortest chapter so far?  
  
Akari: *appears* Of course.  
  
Jecht: Er. Keep reading!!  
  
~*~*~ 


	5. "Gimme a hug."

Thanks for the reviews. Enjoy Ch. 5!!  
  
Disclaimer: I do believe I promised a strip party in Chapter 3... *gets dragged away* Nooo!!! I was gonna get some Lulu cosplayers to come strip with me!!! *gets thrown into a jail cell* Oh, and if you're wondering, I don't own anything. -_-;;  
  
~*~*~  
  
It's nighttime. Inside the men's cabin is shown. Everyone is sleeping. A closeup of Seymour's face is shown. Suddenly, he wakes up and walks over to Auron.  
  
Seymour: *shakes Auron awake* Auron: What do you want?... Seymour: I'm scared!! Mommy died and I'm all alone! Auron: And what do you want me to do? Seymour: Gimme a hug. Auron: AAAAAAAHHH!!! NO!!!!!  
  
Everyone in the camp wakes up.  
  
Auron: ...Sorry. Kimahri: I think you even woke the others...  
  
Lulu, Rikku, and Jecht run into the cabin.  
  
Jecht: That was loud. Rikku: Auron, you idiot! Lulu: You woke us all! Auron: Go back to sleep. Jecht: No! You're gonna have to pay! Get outside and gimme 20 push-ups! Auron: But Seymour made me scream. Jecht: Then Seymour, you go outside.  
  
Seymour walks outside and starts exercising. The next morning, Jecht walks outside to find Seymour on the ground, asleep.  
  
Jecht: *sigh* Wake up! *kicks Seymour* Seymour: Huh?... Jecht: Did you do the push-ups? Seymour: Yeah. *falls over and dies* Jecht: O.o *runs away*  
  
Everyone runs out of their cabins.  
  
Lulu: Oh my God, he killed Seymour! Rikku: That bastard!!! Kimahri: Wait... We all hate Seymour. Lulu: Yep.  
  
Jecht runs back.  
  
Jecht: Ahem. It's time for the next event.  
  
Everyone appears in the Macalania Woods.  
  
Jecht: Butterfly Catching! ...Only with bloodsucking bats. Whoever catches the most in the next 5 min. wins.  
  
A million bats start flying everywhere and a timer starts. Auron is shown first, once again using Poke`balls to try catching the bats. O.o  
  
Auron: :D Catch 'em all!  
  
Meanwhile, bats are flying up Lulu's dress.  
  
Lulu: Eeek!! Help!  
  
Rikku walks over and throws a grenade at Lulu. Lulu is immediately knocked out, but the bats are gone.  
  
Rikku: Oops... ^_^;;  
  
The bats get mad that Lulu's dead and fly toward Rikku.  
  
Rikku: ...AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!  
  
Rikku starts running and suddenly crashes into Jecht. Bats are all over them, blood dripping onto the floor.  
  
Jecht and Rikku: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Rikku falls over in pain. Kimahri looks at her and Jecht and smiles happily. Since bats can't go through his fur, he can't be bitten.  
  
Jecht: *rolling on the ground, trying to keep bats off* Kimahri, it's not fair! You're fuzzy! Kimahri: =^-^= Jecht: I guess the competition is between Auron and Kimahri.  
  
Auron looks at Kimahri evilly. He walks over.  
  
Auron: Rrr... I'm gonna win!  
  
Auron slices off most of Kimahri's fur with his Masamune and bats start flying all over him. Coincidentally, they crowd around Auron as well.  
  
Auron: AW @#$%^&*@#$%^&*!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Auron runs out of the forest, screaming.  
  
Kimahri: Quick, someone gimme a Cactuar!!!  
  
For some strange reason, a random passerby is carrying a Cactuar in his arms. Kimahri runs over, grabs it, and uses Lancet. A million needles grow on his body and the bats fly away.  
  
Kimahri: Ahh. The pain's gone. *suddenly feels the needles* OW!!!!! Jecht: *laughs evilly* HAHAHAHA-Oh wait. It seems you're the winner, even though Auron caught more bats. But Auron's dead now. ^^ Kimahri: Woohoo!!! *pulls needles out of skin*  
  
Suddenly the bats crowd around Kimahri again.  
  
Kimahri: *sigh* Can we please leave already?  
  
Auron appears-  
  
Rikku: Wha?? He's alive?  
  
--and everyone is magically transported back to the camp.  
  
Jecht: So, Kimahri's the winner. Kimahri: ^_^ Jecht: And we'll have to eliminate another person.  
  
Jecht hands everyone a few pages of pink stationery with flowers and bunnies and the word 'Barbie' printed all over.  
  
Auron: O.o What's up with this weird stationery?  
  
Akari appears.  
  
Akari: Don't talk to me, I'm caffeinated!! *runs around the room and crashes into a wall* Everyone: O_O Jecht: Er... Let's just ignore her. Get to voting. Rikku: What about Seymour?  
  
Jecht: He's dead, remember? Rikku: Oh yeah!!! *grins*  
  
Everyone votes. Kimahri voted on Auron for slicing off the fur he worked so hard to grow back after it had been shaven by the boot camp people. Everyone else voted for Kimahri cause he won.  
  
Jecht: And the person to leave is...  
  
Suddenly, Akari stands up.  
  
Akari: *clearly drunk* The caffeine is seeping into my veins... *falls down again* Er... I have to get outta here...  
  
Everyone stares at Akari as she stumbles out the door. Suddenly, a crunching noise is heard outside followed by Akari screaming 'Aw shit!!!' Everyone runs outside to see Akari standing on Seymour's arm, which is now in a contorted position. Seymour is still asleep.  
  
Akari: Heh heh... Sorry... How bout we just get rid of Seymour for this chapter? Jecht: O.o Well, most of you voted for Kimahri, but... First of all, we can't vote off 2 people in the same chapter. Then the fanfic would have less chapters. Akari: That's right! And that would be a really bad thing, for this fic to be shorter! *laughs at all the people being forced to read this fic* Jecht: o.O Those poor readers... Second, if Seymour woke up right now, he'd sue Akari for breaking his arm and she'd be thrown in jail, as she is in her disclaimers. Akari: I always break out. ^_^ Jecht: ... Everyone: ... Jecht: *cough* Ahem. Let's just pretend that Seymour was voted off in this chapter. Lulu: Yeah. We all hate him, it would be nice to have him leave.  
  
Akari zaps over a canon. She picks up Seymour and stuffs him inside. O.o The canon blasts off, sending Seymour across the Farplane. Akari smiles cheesily and disappears.  
  
Jecht: Why did Seymour want Auron of all people to give him a hug? O.o Isn't this whole chapter Auron's fault? Why am I running out of questions? Keep reading!!!  
  
~*~*~  
  
If you're planning to review-which you'd better do *eyes twitch*-then remember to vote on who you want to leave next: Auron or Rikku. (Kimahri and Lulu are leaving next, since I got votes for them.) Thanks!!! And thanks to XaXona and marsbar 15 for giving me votes. Although I didn't want to see Seymour leave. ;_; Imagine him winning the boot camp... :D Well, bye. 


	6. Lulu's melting chest

I'm sorry that this chapter took so long to post!! Here it is!!!  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own anything except my ideas and my characters... (silence) And Squaresoft... Hee hee hee... *gets knocked out* Why do I never get away with that?...  
  
~*~*~  
  
It's morning time. Inside the men's cabin is shown. Auron and Kimahri are awake. Suddenly Jecht stumbles into the room, looking drunk.  
  
Jecht: *hic* It's time *hic* for a *hic* event... *faints*  
  
Auron: O.o *walks over to Jecht and pokes him* He appears to be drunk...  
  
Kimahri: Do you know what this means?  
  
Auron: What?  
  
Kimahri: We don't have to do an event today and we can party instead!!  
  
Auron: Yeah, great idea! Let's get the girls!!  
  
Auron and Kimahri run out of the room. Jecht stands up, looking not drunk at all.  
  
Jecht: Hmm... My plan to pretend to be drunk and catch one of these idiots disobeying the rules has worked! So, it appears that Kimahri isn't following the rules... He'll have to pay!!! MWUAHAHAHA!!! Being such a genious, I'll make him!!!  
  
Jecht turns around, starts running, and crashes into a wall.  
  
Jecht: Er... I'm still smart. Now, to get to my cabin. *leaves*  
  
Meanwhile at the women's cabin...  
  
Lulu: So he just walked in, drunk?  
  
Kimahri: Yep. And now we can party!  
  
Lulu: WOOHOO!!! *takes out a cell phone and starts dialing*  
  
A few minutes later, Seymour, Tidus, Wakka, and Yuna arrive.  
  
Wakka: Are we allowed to be here? We got voted off, ya?  
  
Tidus: Who cares? Jecht's practically dead.  
  
Wakka: Ya, that's right. And now I'm reunited with my woman!!  
  
Lulu: !!! *hides*  
  
Rikku: Who said YOU were his woman? *winks at Wakka and smiles seductively*  
  
Everyone: ...  
  
Rikku: ...Sorry. So, I guess we can start the party now?  
  
Auron: Yep.  
  
Rikku: Cool!! *takes off shirt*  
  
Auron: God that's horrid... *shields eyes*  
  
Kimahri: It's even worse than Rinoa, and I didn't think there could be ANYTHING worse than Rinoa's chest... *also shields eyes*  
  
Seymour, Tidus, Wakka, and Yuna: *shield eyes*  
  
Lulu: ... *staring at Rikku*  
  
Rikku: Er... Aren't you also gonna shield your eyes?  
  
Lulu: ...Heh heh... Right. *shields eyes*  
  
Rikku: O_o WTF, Lulu.  
  
Rikku puts her shirt back on and everyone unshields their eyes.  
  
Seymour: So... Maybe we should have some alcohol?  
  
Yuna: Yeah!!! That would be good for me, since I'm a real big drug addict.  
  
Everyone: ...  
  
Tidus: ...It's true. I've seen her drink.  
  
Yuna: Yep. ^^ I'm addicted to cigarettes, sleeping pills, and strippers. Male and female. Everyone: O_O  
  
(a/n: I don't hate Yuna!!! Sorry to anyone who likes her, I have to make fun of people in my fics.)  
  
Seymour: Uh... Alrighty... Well, I happen to have a crate of alcohol right here.  
  
Seymour pulls a giant box out of nowhere. He opens it and hands everyone a bottle.  
  
Wakka: Hmm... These look strange...  
  
The bottle is clear, plastic, has blue liquid inside, and is marked with the word 'Windex'.  
  
Wakka: Oh well. *takes a sip*  
  
Lulu: Yep. It looks decent. *chugs down whole bottle O.o*  
  
Everyone but Seymour drinks their Windex. O_o Suddenly they all fall on the floor, unconcious.  
  
Seymour: Mwuahahahahahaha!!! I'm such a genious!!!  
  
Seymour turns around, starts running, and crashes into a wall.  
  
Seymour: ...Didn't that already happen in this fic?  
  
Seymour runs out the door. He runs into Jecht's private cabin and starts rooting through stuff.  
  
Seymour: Hahahaha... That idiot, Jecht, got me off the boot camp cause he thought I was dead... And he broke my arm... *eye twitches* Now, I'll get my revenge!!!  
  
Seymour pulls Jecht's diary out of a desk. He runs to the door but suddenly, it opens. Jecht is standing there.  
  
Jecht: What the... What are you doing here?!  
  
Seymour: Uh... What are YOU doing here?  
  
Jecht: I'm here to think of plans to get Kimahri voted off. Now, what are you doing here?  
  
Seymour: Er...  
  
Seymour runs past Jecht.  
  
Jecht: Hey, he has my diary!!!! AAAARRGH!!!  
  
Jecht runs after Seymour, but suddenly, he crashes into Auron, Lulu, Rikku, Tidus, Wakka, Kimahri, and Yuna.  
  
Jecht: What are you voted-off people doing here?!  
  
Wakka: Well, we were partying and drinking window solution one second, and the next, we're here...  
  
Jecht: Er, okay.  
  
Auron: Hey, we thought you were drunk!  
  
Jecht: That doesn't matter now... Seymour has my diary!!! For today's event, you can all participate. Go get my diary back!!  
  
8 chocobos magically appear. Everyone mounts them.  
  
Jecht: This will be a race. Whoever reaches Seymour first and retrieves my diary wins. And I'll be riding a chocobo ahead of you people to make sure no one cheats. *glares at Tidus*  
  
Tidus: Aw, man...  
  
Tidus tosses a can of coffee over his shoulder and pats his chocobo.  
  
Tidus: Sorry, I guess there won't be a turbo boost for you...  
  
Jecht: Start the race already!!  
  
Everyone starts riding their chocobos. A few minutes later, they arrive at a giant building. Kimahri's ahead of the whole team. He stops with everyone else stopping behind him. Seymour is on top of the building, holding Jecht's diary. People are on the ground below, looking up.  
  
Seymour: *grins evilly* It's time to read from Jecht's diary!!  
  
Jecht: NOOOOOOOOO!!!! Come on, you fools!!! Climb the building and stop him!!!  
  
Auron, Lulu, Rikku, Kimahri, Tidus, Wakka, and Yuna get off their chocobos and start up the building. Meanwhile, Seymour starts reading.  
  
Seymour: Day 1. Today was the first day of the boot camp! I saw Tidus again. He's so hot, even though he's my son... I'm in love with him. I even killed his mother to be with Tidus. Hahaha. He thinks that his mother just died, but no! I KILLED HER!!! ...Anyway. I had to get kick Tidus off the camp today so no one would get suspicious about my love for him.  
  
Tidus: Why, Dad... I had no idea you felt this way... I love you too!!  
  
Everyone: O_O  
  
Jecht: SHADDAP AND KEEP CLIMBING!!!  
  
Seymour: Day 2. Today's event involved Rikku blowing up Wakka with her grenades. Every part of that sentence sounds wrong, but I don't care. I had to find Wakka in the Blitz sphere. No one knew how to give him CPR, so I demonstrated. Wow... Wakka's mouth tastes like sushi-flavored M&Ms... Mmm, so salty and sweet...  
  
Wakka: No wonder, ya? I've been living off fish and candy for the last 4 years.  
  
Jecht: *smacks own forehead* Keep climbing...  
  
Seymour: Day 3. Today I got Lulu and Rikku to join me in the hot tub. Well, I'm surprised. When they were undressing, I noticed some very weird things... It seems that Rikku has no boobs. She's fat and flat-chested. And Lulu's the same... I realized that her chest is really plastic. It started melting in the tub. That's why I'm beginning to hate women more and more... Men just aren't like that...  
  
Lulu and Rikku: *sweatdrop* None of that chest stuff is true!!!!!!!  
  
Seymour: Day 4. The special effects went crazy today. At the end of the Cactuar event, we were all somehow zapped to the set of Jerry Springer. I gotta fire those special effects guys... What were their names, Quina and Umaro? Anyway, the place brought back some memories. I remember being on the Jerry Springer Show once... It was when I was only 14. I was such a sweet little girl back then... What was the topic that day? Oh yes. It was "My child wants to be a transsexual!" I remember being so surprised when Mommy brought me there.  
  
Jecht: ... *breaks into tears* Stop reading!!!  
  
Seymour: Day 5. Today Akari killed Seymour. Yes!! I wanted to see him die for a long time. I think he's coming on to Tidus. Tidus is MINE!!! Well, I have nothing to be worried about now! When this boot camp is over, I'll reveal my true feelings to Tidus and we can all be happy!! ...I wish I got to kill Seymour. I like to kill stuff. It was so fun thinking of a plan to murder my wife. :D I wanna kill more people now.  
  
Rikku: Seymour's not really dead... Well, just read the next entry.  
  
Jecht: The next entry... Is this morning's!! NOOOO!!! DON'T READ THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Seymour: Day 6. It's 6:00 in the morning right now. I'm currently preparing myself for a perfect plan. I'm going to go into the men's cabin, pretend to be drunk, and faint. And depending on what Auron and Kimahri do in the situation, I'll be able to see if they follow the boot camp rules. I don't really wanna see any of them go. Actually, I particularly don't wanna see Kimahri go... Cause I'm in love with him. Yes, I know I'm in love with Tidus... And Wakka... And even Seymour... And even Auron... But Kimahri's the hottest of them all. His blue fur is so shiny... And I love the way he can take it off to reveal Squall underneath... Rinoa's gonna kill me, but I don't care. I'M IN LOVE WITH KIMAHRI!!!!!!!!!! He smiles so beautifully. Like Drew Carey. I'm in love with Drew Carey too. And I also love Solid Snake from Metal G-  
  
Jecht: STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Seymour suddenly drops the diary. It falls below and Jecht catches it.  
  
Wakka: Aw man! We just spent an hour climbing this building, ya? And it's for nothing and my hands hurt!!! But... I wouldn't mind if someone rubbed them and made them feel better. *winks at Lulu*  
  
Lulu: NO WAY!!!!  
  
Lulu jumps off the building and everyone follows.  
  
Jecht: Kimahri, you're voted off today!  
  
Kimahri: Why? We didn't vote yet. And I won the race.  
  
Jecht: Too bad, you're leaving cause I don't want people thinking I'm in love with you!!!  
  
Yuna: But you are. We heard it being read from your diary.  
  
Jecht: AAAAAAAAAAARRRGGHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Jecht runs away, screaming.  
  
Auron: Now that he's gone... I guess I get to do the questions. Yay!!! Ahem... How does Wakka have access to M&Ms? They don't exist in this world!!! How did Jecht get Lulu and Rikku to follow him into a hot tub if I couldn't?!?!  
  
Rikku: Why do you get to do the questions and not me?!?!? I WANNA!!! *strangles Auron*  
  
Auron: *choking* Til' next time... *faints*  
  
~*~  
  
Please review, I'd appreciate it.  
  
I don't hate any of the FFX characters, or any FF characters for that matter! This is a HUMOR fic, and I have to make fun of characters. So don't go telling me that I suck cause I hate Yuna or something, cause I don't.  
  
VERY IMPORTANT NOTE!!!!!!!!!!!!: I mentioned this in the previous chapter: In the next chapter, Lulu will be voted off. (Someone wanted her to leave, many chapter ago... I'm really sorry to that person for not making her sooner! ^^;;) In the final chapter, Auron and Rikku will have a face-off. I'm taking votes on who should be the loser, thus making the other person the winner. Please tell me which one you think should win and which one should leave!! Vote either here when reviewing, or on www.ffonline.com in either of my fics (I'm known as Tifa Lockhart there too). You may also send me e-mails at alex52@netzero.net . But PLEEEEASE don't vote more than once!!! So far, Rikku and Auron are tied in their votes. Break the tie, people. 


	7. "Wanna 'vilg'?" O_O

So far in the voting: (this is how many votes Auron and Rikku received to be voted OFF) Auron = 8, Rikku = 5. Rikku's winning. Duh. Well, please vote when reviewing!!  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own anything except my fics, my characters, my fugly computer, Squaresoft, the world, all of you readers--*gets hit in the eye* X.o ...Sorry.  
  
~*~  
  
Kimahri just got voted off the camp but is still standing there, Jecht has gone crazy and run off, Seymour is standing on a building, Auron has been strangled to death by Rikku, and Tidus, Yuna, and Wakka stole some chocobos and left a while ago.  
  
Kimahri: Hmm... Should I be leaving now?  
  
Lulu: Yeah.  
  
Kimahri: Cool!! *grabs one of the chocobos and rides off quickly*  
  
Lulu: Hey, why is everyone stealing the chocobos?! Jecht must have worked very hard to get those! And the poor chocobos had to race just a few minutes ago, they're probably worn out, and yet you people are riding them!!! Do you have no shame?!?!? *secretly takes a chocobo for herself*  
  
Suddenly Jecht appears.  
  
Jecht: So... Kimahri's gone?  
  
Rikku: Yep.  
  
Jecht: Good. *smiles wickedly* Now no one will suspect that I'm madly in love with him.  
  
Auron: ...You just said that out loud.  
  
Jecht: *sweatdrop* Heh heh... *trying to think up of another subject* Uh... Auron, weren't you knocked out a minute ago?  
  
Auron: Yeah. I guess.  
  
Jecht: O.o Well, everyone that shouldn't be here's gone.  
  
Seymour: *on top of the building* Hey, I'm still here! Help me down, I'm scared of heights!!!  
  
Everyone doesn't seem to notice Seymour. They walk back to camp.  
  
Lulu: So, what's today's event?  
  
Jecht: Something really different and confusing!  
  
Auron: Why?  
  
Jecht: Cause I'm running out of ideas. Today, you three are gonna journey around the world of Spira and look for Al Bhed primers!  
  
Rikku: Yay, I'm gonna be good at this!  
  
Jecht: But they're all gonna be hidden in strange locations. You'll NEVER find them!!! Hahahahaha!!!  
  
Jecht runs off, laughing madly. Auron, Lulu, and Rikku look at him run, confused. Suddenly Jecht crashes into a wall that was conviniently placed in the middle of the forest.  
  
Everyone: O.o  
  
The three set off in different directions...  
  
RIKKU'S QUEST  
  
Rikku is walking around in Besaid. She walks into the temple. Everyone looks at her.  
  
Random person #1: It's an Al Bhed!!  
  
Random person #2: Heathen!! Get out of our temple!!  
  
Rikku: You idiots. Yevon betrayed you.  
  
Random person #3: It doesn't matter. We all still follow Yevon's rules and will never give in to the Al Bhed!!!  
  
The three people turn back to the statues.  
  
Rikku: Er... Anyway... Do any of you happen to have an Al Bhed primer?  
  
Random person #1: *turns to Rikku* Yes, right here. *holds one up and grins*  
  
Rikku: O_o Well, that was strange. *grabs the primer and runs off*  
  
LULU'S QUEST  
  
Lulu is standing on the S.S. Liki.  
  
Lulu: *walks over to the water* Might as well stay here for a while... *looks at the water* This brings back memories... Chappu... *starts crying*  
  
Lulu leans over and looks deeper into the water. Suddenly, she falls off the ship.  
  
Lulu: Ah @#$%!!! My make-up's smearing!! And this is the 5th time it's happened! Damn you, Chappu!!!  
  
Lulu starts to swim back to the ship. Once she gets back onboard, some Al Bhed guys walk over.  
  
Al Bhed guy #1: Muug, y Oajuheda!!!  
  
Al Bhed guy #2: Mad'c ahcmyja ran!  
  
Al Bhed guy #1: Oac, drah fa lyh ytt du uin lummaldeuh! Drec femm syga Caosuin jano bmaycat.  
  
Al Bhed guy #2: Yht mad'c ymcu cdub dymgehk eh ym prat, ed'c sygehk dra naytanc luhvicat!!  
  
Al Bhed guy #1: ...Okay.  
  
The Al Bhed guys pick up Lulu and drag her to a jail cell.  
  
AURON'S QUEST  
  
Auron is walking around in the ruins of Home. He walks up to a half-dead Al Bhed guy.  
  
Auron: Got any primers?  
  
Al Bhed guy: Help... Please...heal...me... Cure...  
  
Auron: *gets an idea* Heh heh heh... What's that, Mr. Al Bhed Traitor? You want me to end your suffering and kill you?  
  
Al Bhed guy: Cure...please...  
  
Auron: MWUAHAHAHAH!!! I SHALL GIVE YOU NO MERCY!!!  
  
Auron kicks the Al Bhed guy.  
  
Al Bhed guy: *gets up, not harmed at all* Argh... You're gonna pay!!!  
  
Auron: O_o Oh, shit.  
  
Auron starts running as the Al Bhed guy chases him. Suddenly Auron stops.  
  
Auron: That idiot. I'm already dead, he can't hurt me.  
  
Al Bhed guy: Maybe not... But I can torture you mentally!!!  
  
The Al Bhed guy ties Auron up in chains and drags him to a prison conviniently placed in the middle of nowhere. He throws Auron in a cell and turns on a tv.  
  
TV: *strange, animutation-like images flashing everywhere* Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS!!!!!!!  
  
Auron: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! STOP THE TORTURE!!!! I'M SOOOOORRRRRYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Al Bhed guy: HAHAHAHAHA!!!! You deserve it!!! ...Ah, my brain is melting too... Must get away from graphical images of talking sponges smoking weed and strange drugged tranvestite snails... *leaves the prison*  
  
Auron: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
RIKKU'S QUEST CONTINUES  
  
Rikku, after retrieving a primer from a Yevonite, is nearing the Thunder Plains.  
  
Rikku: Good, now I'll just find Rin's Travel Agency and get some primers!!  
  
Rikku walks into the Thunder Plains. A lighting bolt strikes her.  
  
Rikku: *scorched* Heh heh... I'll just continue on...  
  
Rikku walks forward and gets struck again.  
  
Rikku: *even more scorched* Must...move...on...  
  
And so, Rikku makes her way through the Thunder Plains, getting struck exactly 319 times. She walks into the Travel Agency and collapses.  
  
Rin: Yf cred, E zicd kud dra vmuun lmayhat vnus dra mycd bancuh fru lummybcat rana!!  
  
Rin frowns and points to Kimahri, who is sitting in the corner. Kimahri is just as scorched as Rikku and most of his fur is missing. He grins dumbly.  
  
Rikku: *lifts head* Kimahri? What the hell are you doing here?  
  
Kimahri: I dunno. But if you shut up right now, the fanfic will advance.  
  
Rin: *sighs and takes out a mop* Huf, du kad so tysh vmuun lmayhat.  
  
Rin throws Rikku into the inn-like room and starts mopping. When he's done, he walks into the room.  
  
Rin: So, what do you want?  
  
Rikku: Got any Al Bhed primers?  
  
Rin: Yep. *gives Rikku one*  
  
Rikku: Heh... So...  
  
Silence follows.  
  
Rin: Um... How's Auron?  
  
Rikku: Those damn lemon writers won't leave us alone. I've been 'clnafat' around 400 times...  
  
Rin: I see.  
  
Silence again.  
  
Rikku: Aw, what the hell. I guess Auron can wait.  
  
A few moments later, Kimahri is shown again. He gets up and walks past the inn-room. Some very strange noises-screaming and er... other things-are heard.  
  
Kimahri: O.o *quickly runs away*  
  
LULU'S QUEST CONTINUES  
  
Lulu: *inside a jail cell on the S.S. Liki* I have to get outta here... Probably everyone's moved on to the next event and I'm getting voted off...  
  
An Al Bhed guy walks in.  
  
Al Bhed guy: Here's your food. *gives Lulu a plate*  
  
Lulu: *grins evilly* Say, what's your name?  
  
Al Bhed guy: Dr. Yccfeba.  
  
Lulu: Well, Dr. Yccfeba, why did you capture me?  
  
Dr. Yccfeba: The S.S. Liki is a slave ship, you know? We work for Seymour.  
  
Lulu: Seymour?! Ah, whatever. Wanna 'vilg'?  
  
Dr. Yccfeba: Do I?!  
  
Dr. Yccfeba jumps toward Lulu but she punches him and runs out the door.  
  
Lulu: *smug look on face* That always works.  
  
Lulu runs to the front of the ship, pushes the captain into the water, and starts steering it toward the boot camp.  
  
Lulu: MWUAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! NO ONE CAN STOP ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
An Al Bhed dude sneaks up behind Lulu and throws a brick at her head, knocking her our. O.o  
  
AURON'S QUEST CONTINUED  
  
Auron is sitting in the jail cell, helplessly watching Spongebob Squarepants. Suddenly the show ends and Rocket Power comes on.  
  
Auron: OH THE TORTURE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Auron, very pissed now, grabs his Masamune, cuts through the chains tying him up, slices the tv in half, cuts the door open, and runs through.  
  
Auron: O_o Wonder why I didn't do that before.  
  
Auron runs through Home, searching for primers. He comes across a shop called "AL BHED PRIMERS".  
  
Auron: O.o Cool.  
  
Auron runs in and buys a million. Unfortunately, he doesn't know that they're all for the translation of the letter 'A' and there's no other letter in there. Auron runs out of the store and back to the boot camp.  
  
BACK AT THE BOOT CAMP  
  
Auron, Rikku, and Lulu are back at the boot camp.  
  
Jecht: *sigh* Is Auron the only one of you three who can find his way back properly?! Lulu, how could you get knocked out on a slave ship?? What the hell??  
  
Lulu: It's all Chappu's fault. That bastard. *shakes fist*  
  
Jecht: Right. I suppose he somehow transported you to the S.S. Liki?  
  
Lulu: Er... Sure, why not?  
  
Jecht: And Rikku, what were you doing, 'vilgehk' Rin?!?!  
  
Auron: What?! Rikku, I thought we had something special!!  
  
Rikku: *sigh* Damn you, lemon authors...  
  
Auron: We're scheduled to have a foursome with Lulu and Wakka at three today. Forget Rin and make sure you're there, this fic's gonna get some wonderful flames!!  
  
Rikku: *sigh* Fine... And no one seems to care that I'm 16, either... Damn. The same thing that's happened with Yuffie and Vincent is happening to me. *sigh* Why do we always end up pregnant??  
  
Jecht: O.o Well, it's time to count up the primers you got.  
  
Lulu: I don't have any.  
  
Rikku: I have 2.  
  
Auron: I have a million!!! MWUAHAHAHAHA!!!!!  
  
Jecht: O_o Okay, let's see...  
  
Auron holds up the primers.  
  
Jecht: .They're all for the letter 'A'.  
  
Auron: Oh. I guess that won't make a difference, though.  
  
Jecht: No, they're all gonna count as one...  
  
Auron: Aw @#$%.  
  
Jecht: Rikku, you have the letters 'F' and 'U'. So you win!!  
  
Rikku: Woohoo!!!  
  
Jecht: Now, for the voting off...  
  
Jecht hands an 'A' primer to Rikku, an 'A' to Auron, and an 'A' to Lulu.  
  
Rikku: ...?  
  
Jecht: Well, we have to do something with a million identical primers!!!  
  
Auron votes for Rikku, Rikku votes for Auron, and Lulu votes for Chappu (???).  
  
Jecht: *reading the votes* Er... Lulu?  
  
Lulu: Yes?  
  
Jecht: Chappu's dead. And he's not in the boot camp either.  
  
Lulu: I know. *evil eyes*  
  
Jecht: O_o;; I'll just ignore that vote then... Rikku and Auron, you voted for each other.  
  
Auron: Her fault, she cheated on me!!!  
  
Rikku: Well, I had to vote for him, so no more weird sexual innuendo happened in this fic!!!  
  
Jecht: Well, I guess Lulu's off then!!  
  
Lulu: What?!  
  
Jecht: You seem to be a bit crazy about getting revenge on Chappu, and plus, some person wanted you voted off.  
  
Lulu: Fine then. I guess my stay here is over... I'll be starting a quest to kill Chappu now. Or something. *turns around and crashes into the wall*  
  
Jecht: O.o Now the questions... What do those Rin+Rikku authors smoke? Did you know that Dr. Yccfeba's name converts do Dr. Asswipe? O.o And finally, is Seymour STILL on that building?  
  
Meanwhile, on the building...  
  
Seymour: Heeelp!! I'm still here! I don't know how I got up here, but I'm scaaaaaared!!!  
  
Seymour suddenly falls off the building and dies. O_o  
  
~*~  
  
The final chapter is next!! ^_^ The voting stops on August 8th. Please vote on who should be voted off in the final chapter-Rikku or Auron-when reviewing!! Thanks everyone! ^^  
  
By the way, if you really wanna know what all that crap in Al Bhed was, there's a great translator here: http://www.pixelscapes.com/twoflower/albhed.html 


	8. Lulu = more expensive than Yojimbo

Welcome back. ^_^  
  
Disclaimer: I own FFX. MWUAHAHAHAHAHA. *gets shot*  
  
~*~  
  
It's morning time and Rikku, Auron, and Jecht are outside the cabins.  
  
Jecht: It's time for the final event!!!  
  
Rikku: What are we doing?  
  
The three appear in the Thunder Plains.  
  
Jecht: Dodging lighting!!!  
  
Rikku: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Jecht: The person who gets hit by lightning the least and makes it first to Rin's Travel Agency is the winner. I'll give you some time to plan strategies.  
  
Auron: Why?  
  
Jecht: Cause we need to fill up the fanfic.  
  
Auron and Rikku walk off into separate corners. First with Auron.  
  
Auron: *thinking to himself* This will be so easy! ...But I should cheat anyway.  
  
Auron takes out a jar labeled 'Lightning Preventing Greasy Liquidy Crap' and spreads the contents on himself.  
  
Auron: Now, what's the prize for winning boot camp? Probably a crapload of money... Heh heh heh, what will I do with it all? Maybe pay the lemon authors to quit bothering me... Or I can buy a night with Lulu, since she's really expensive... Hee hee hee...  
  
O_o Meanwhile with Rikku.  
  
Rikku: Damn, how am I gonna get past this?... Well, I guess I'd better prepare an ultimate plan. Hmm, coffee will help me think...  
  
Rikku takes out a coffee machine from nowhere O.o and makes a few cups of coffee. After approximately 40 cups of black coffee with 15 spoons of sugar in each...  
  
Rikku: HEE HEE HEE!!!!!!!! I GOT IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *laughs evilly and drinks more coffee* I'll just walk into the plains... And go under the lightning... And... Um... Dodge it... HAHAHAHA!!! *falls over*  
  
Rikku sees all black. Suddenly, Lulu appears in her visions, with devil horns on her head.  
  
Lulu: Rikku, you said you wanna be just like me...  
  
Rikku: Yeah.  
  
Lulu: Then raise your price. 2 gil isn't enough for a night. Seriously, try 500,000; it works for me!!! That's where I get all the money to buy these belts!!! *flashes a strange smile*  
  
Rikku: Er... Okay...  
  
Lulu: And make sure you start wearing lots of gothic make-up and don't smile. Dress like a slut and show your chest to every guy you see. And also, remember to somehow set everyone who flirts with you on fire! Then you'll be just like me!!!  
  
Rikku: Why are you telling me this?  
  
Lulu: I dunno. I'm in your dreeeeams...  
  
Rikku: Alrighty.  
  
Yuna appears beside Lulu, wearing clearly fake angelwings.  
  
Yuna: Damn wings... These things are heavy... Oh, Rikku. Hello.  
  
Rikku: What the hell is this??  
  
Yuna: Rikku, don't raise your price. More guys will come on to you if you're cheap. That's how I met Tidus! He was looking for some cheap ones!! *grins*  
  
Rikku: o.O Alright then.  
  
Yuna: Heh heh. Anyway, we're here to tell you how to win this event.  
  
Lulu: Huh? I thought we were here to give her tips on being a slut.  
  
Yuna: Shut up, Lulu, Jecht and Auron can hear you!! After all, they're watching Rikku right now.  
  
Rikku sees Jecht and Auron in front of her.  
  
Jecht: *pokes Rikku* *talking in a slurred voice* Aaaare yoooou okaaaaayy???  
  
Auron: *also in a slurred voice* I thiiink we shoooould juuuust leeeeave her theeere...  
  
Rikku: Huh? What the hell?  
  
Yuna: You passed out after consuming too much caffeine and sugar.  
  
Lulu: That stuff's bad for you. Seriously, Rikku, just drink beer and vodka. It's much more filling than coffee and sugar. *smiles cheesily* And it's gonna make you more like me!!  
  
Rikku: Come on, tell me how to win the event already...  
  
Yuna: Uh... Try dodging the lightning!!!  
  
Yuna and Lulu dissapear. Rikku wakes up to see Auron and Jecht standing before her.  
  
Auron: Okay, she's awake. I'll just go back to planning evil plans to cheat and win the boot camp now. *walks back to his corner*  
  
Jecht: Are you prepared?  
  
Rikku: Yeah... *laughs evilly* Yuna and Lulu appeared in my visions and told me how to win... They also told me about being a slut... Yuna told me to lower the price, Lulu told me to raise it...  
  
Jecht: What are you gonna do?  
  
Rikku: Go with Yuna. Lulu scares me. So now, I sell for $2.  
  
Jecht: Wow, that price is even lower than the one of that 'Rinoa' girl from out of town!! Can I have tommorow night?  
  
Rikku: Nope, I'm scheduled to 'vilg' with Rin.  
  
Jecht: Damn. Oh well, time to start the event!!!  
  
Auron and Rikku stand before the plains.  
  
Jecht: Go!!!  
  
The two start running through the plains, past the lightning. First with Auron...  
  
Auron: Mwuahahaha!!!!! I'm perfect at this!!!!!!!! *gets hit and is scorched* Heh heh... Just a little farther... *gets hit again* Dammit, this 'Lightning Preventing Greasy Liquidy Crap' isn't working!!! This stuff is cheap!!! *reads the back of the jar* 'Produced by Yuffie Incorporated.' Damn, I THOUGHT that girl whom I bought this from looked high... Well, I guess I'll have to make it past the lightning the old fashioned way...  
  
Meanwhile with Rikku.  
  
Rikku: *steps into the plains* Alright, I can do this!!! *gets struck* ^^ I can still do this!!! *moves forward and gets struck again* Nope, my confidence isn't lowering!!! *gets struck again* Not yet!! *gets struck* *is trying to keep smiling* I can still do this!!! *gets struck again* AAAAAAAAAAAHH, DAMMIT!!!!!!! THIS SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Rikku goes on a mad rampage and runs forward, getting struck a lot of times. She finally makes it to Rin's.  
  
Rikku: Yes, I'm the first one here!!!  
  
Auron makes it over, not as scorched as Rikku. Jecht finally arrives too.  
  
Jecht: So, Rikku got hit 4,234,454,343 times...  
  
Rikku: Shit, this can't be good.  
  
Jecht: ...And Auron got hit 4,234,454,344 times, one more time than Rikku!!! And Rikku made it here first!!  
  
Rikku: YES!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Auron: Dammit!!! That stuff should have helped me through!!! *reads the label of the jar again* 'Lightning Preventing Greasy Liquidy Crap'... Wait, my thumb's blocking something... *takes thumb off jar* ARGH!!!!! It says 'Lightning DODGING Preventing Greasy Liquidy Crap'!!!!!!!!!!!! IT PREVENTED ME FROM DODGING THE LIGHTNING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Jecht: *snicker* Now, we have to wait for our special guests to arrive. Let's go to Rin's...  
  
The three walk into Rin's Travel Agency.  
  
Rin: *sees Rikku* En, ehi ayo nihi wyh lyhi?  
  
Rikku: Yep!! *runs into the inn-like room with Rin behind her and closes the door*  
  
Auron: HEY!!!!!!!!!! SHE'S MINE!!!!!!!!!! Damn, this hasn't been a good day for me...  
  
Jecht: O_o;;  
  
Suddenly, Tidus, Yuna, Wakka, Seymour, Kimahri, and Lulu walk into the Travel Agency.  
  
Tidus: We're here!!  
  
Wakka: Where is Jecht, dammit?  
  
Jecht: Right here!  
  
Tidus: DADDY!!!!!!!!!!! *runs over to Jecht and frenches him*  
  
Jecht: *thinking* OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!... I have to do something!!! *bites Tidus on the tongue really hard*  
  
Tidus: *talking as if his tongue has just been bit (cause it has, dummbass)* OW!! DAMMITH, YOU DUMB THIT!!!  
  
Kimahri: Are we gonna vote?  
  
Jecht: We have to wait for Rikku to come out of the inn.  
  
Everyone is silent for a moment. Strange sounds are heard from the inn- room.  
  
Yuna: O.o Wonder how that happened.  
  
Lulu: How do you think?! You told her to lower her price!!! That was a dumb move, cause she always listens to you!!! Dammit, Yuna, now your 16-year-old cousin's no longer a virgin!!! Why does no one ever listen to me?!?!?! I told her to raise the damn price!! But NO!!!... *breaks into tears* People just don't ever listen to me... Is it because I wear scary gothic make-up and slutty clothes and let my cleavage show very revealingly and like to set people on fire and like to drink heavily?... Why do people hate those qualities?... Wakka: *walks over to Lulu and pats her on the back* There there... Hey, I like those qualities in a woman... *hugs Lulu and gives everyone a look that says 'score'* Lulu: *stops crying* ...I know what you're doing, Wakka. *sets his ass on fire* Wakka: AH!!! DAMMIT, YA?!?!?! Jecht: ...That was a disturbing scene. Let's go get Rikku and start the voting...  
  
After bribing Rikku with coffee to get her away from Rin, everyone sits down in the main room of the Travel Agency.  
  
Seymour: Why's Rin here?  
  
Jecht: *shrugs* Here's what we're gonna do... Since Auron and Rikku would obviously vote for each other to leave--  
  
Rikku: *sips a cup of coffee, her eyes red* I'd vote for myself... MWUAHAHAHA!!!!!!  
  
Jecht: O_o Alright, whatever. We're gonna have all the rejects--Tidus, Yuna, Wakka, Seymour, Kimahri, and Lulu--vote on who should leave.  
  
Rikku: And RIN VOTES TOO!!! RIN R0X0RS!!!!!!!!!!!! *giggles madly*  
  
Jecht: Kay, Rin can vote too...  
  
Jecht hands everyone some cheap crappy sheets of paper and they start voting. A camera appears from out of nowhere.  
  
Jecht: Okay, the voting's over!!  
  
Tidus walks over to the camera and sticks his face in it. He holds up his piece of paper.  
  
Tidus: I voted for Rikku to leave. The boot camp is giving away money to the winner, but since I'm gonna buy a million nights with her, Rikku will have more than enough money when we're done.  
  
Yuna: HEY!!!!! YOU BASTARD!!!!!!!!  
  
Jecht: Wha?? The camp's giving money to the winner?... That's not true... Ah, shit.  
  
Kimahri: Are we really on Survivor or something? Where'd that camera come from??  
  
Jecht: Hmm... Survivor... Great idea!!!  
  
Jecht grabs a stick and starts etches 'Auron--0. Rikku--1.' in a nearby tree.  
  
Wakka: ...Why's there a tree in the Travel Agency??  
  
Yuna runs over to the camera and shows her paper.  
  
Yuna: I voted for Rikku to leave. Auron's been having a bad day. Rikku, on the other hand, had many great things happen--she won the event, she lost her virginity today...  
  
Rikku: *sweatdrop* I lost it yesterday, too...  
  
Jecht: *etches a point under Rikku's name*  
  
Wakka runs to the camera.  
  
Wakka: I voted for Rikku!! She's trying to compete with Lulu!! And we all know that Lulu's the BEST slut!!!  
  
Lulu: So true. ^.^  
  
Jecht etches another point and Kimahri runs up.  
  
Kimahri: I want Auron to leave.  
  
Jecht: Why?  
  
Kimahri: Cause if I don't vote for him, then the fanfic will get screwed up...  
  
Jecht: Er, right. *etches another point*  
  
Lulu walks up to the camera.  
  
Lulu: I want Auron to leave since he thinks I'm too expensive.  
  
Auron: Yojimbo's cheaper than you!!!  
  
Yojimbo: Yeah. I tried to buy her too.  
  
Wakka: ...What's Yojimbo doing here?? Am I the only one who can see these things?  
  
Jecht etches a point as Rin walks up.  
  
Rin: Auron should leave, he's trying to steal my Rikku!!  
  
Auron: SHE'S MINE!!!!!!!!! THE DAMN LEMON AUTHORS PUT US TOGETHER, SO SHE'S MIIIIIIINE!!!!!!!!!  
  
Rikku: Wheeee!!!! People are fighting over me!!!!!!!! *giggles crazily again*  
  
Jecht: *etches a point* Seymour, the last vote is up to you... You control the future.  
  
Seymour: *blink blink* Was Rikku's hair blonde before?...  
  
Jecht: *smacks own forehead* Damn, we had to get an idiot to be the last voter...  
  
Seymour runs up to the camera.  
  
Seymour: Hi Mom!!! I know you're dead, but I still wuv you!!! *grins* I wuv you THIS much!!! *does nothing*  
  
Everyone: ...  
  
Jecht; Who do you want to leave?  
  
Seymour: Huh???  
  
Jecht: *very pissed off* Auron or Rikku?...  
  
Seymour: CHEEEEEEEEESE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Seymour runs up to Tidus and starts eating his hair.  
  
Tidus: Damn, why does this always happen to me?? Is my hair really that thick??  
  
Jecht: DAMMIT, SEYMOUR, JUST VOTE!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Seymour: Mmm... Antennas... *starts to eat own hair*  
  
Jecht: AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGH!!!! *whacks Seymour with the stick*  
  
Seymour: ... *blink blink*  
  
Jecht: Okay... Let's assume he want Rikku to leave, since her name is the first he said.  
  
Auron: I WIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Rikku: *grins* Good for you... *eyes half-closed* Need...coffeeeee...  
  
Rin: I have something better!! *smiles wickedly*  
  
Rikku: SUGAR?!?!?! *perks up*  
  
Rin: Er... Sure, why not?  
  
Rin and Rikku run into the inn.  
  
Auron: :D Lulu, can I have tonight?  
  
Lulu: I'm booked... Weird lemon coming up with Luzzu...  
  
Auron: Damn... Jecht, where's my money? I have to go find that 'Rinoa' girl.  
  
Jecht: Money?... *sweatdrop* Er...  
  
Auron: THERE'S NO MONEY!?!?!?!?!?! AAAAAAAARRRRRGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Seymour walks in front of the camera as Auron is beating up Jecht in the background.  
  
Seymour: I get to do the questions!!! What was the point of the events??  
  
Akari: *appears* Cause they made the chapters longer...  
  
Seymour: Why did Akari write this fic??  
  
Akari: Cause I was hyper...  
  
Seymour: Why am I doing the questions??  
  
Akari: Cause Jecht is currently dead...  
  
Seymour: Why do I keep using two question marks??  
  
Akari: Cause you're an idiot...  
  
Seymour: Why do you start your answers with 'cause' and end with '...'??  
  
Akari: Cause I wanna...  
  
Seymour: Why are you answering the questions??  
  
Akari: Cause I feel like it...  
  
Seymour: Why did I ask too many questions??  
  
Akari: Cause I wanna fill up more space...  
  
Seymour: Why are we still talking??  
  
Akari: Cause you keep asking questions...  
  
Seymour: Why is--  
  
Akari: ... *punches Seymour in the face*  
  
~*~  
  
There, that's the fic!!! 


End file.
